i think i'm numb....

it's amazing how quickly things change. today was going pretty well - got up early, went to the gym and ran 1.25 miles and did an hour of yoga, then came home, showered and headed down to palo alto, where i picked up christina and we went to pick up my wine at the winery, did some shopping and had a lovely lunch. then, like a masochist, i get in the car and call mom. she's depressed and self-righteous, as usual, and starts railing on how little respect she has for my brother.

this is not going to be an easy weekend. and the thing that makes it so hard for me is that i just want some support and understanding through what i'm going through... and instead everyone's looking to me to prop them up - and i don't know if i can do it.

i don't know if this is the depression or just the crushing weight of the reality of my life right now, but it sucks. i just want everyone to feel better, including myself. it feels so selfish, but i need them whole so they can help me... because with my whole support system in pieces, i fall apart.

i do, i feel numb. i feel disconnected, unmotivated and so, so tired. all i want to do is just lie on my bed and watch pictures move across my tv screen. this is no way to live... and when i'm out with people or on the phone, my old happy self comes back... but somehow, when i'm alone, i just wilt.

depressed

well, it's official. i met with therapist today, and told him how sleepy, robotic and distracted i have been all week... and he told me that i was clinically depressed. i guess it makes sense, i just didn't want to think about it that way. i do feel anhedonic, and i do feel disconnected. it's nice to have a reason for all of this, but i didn't want to have to return to depression after so many years away. hello, old friend.

he did give me some good suggestions: nature, nurture, novelty and no. i think "no" is one i could stand to work on a bit... especially "no to tasty things!" i think this would be a good time to try out new things and places (something i wanted to do anyway), do some more exploring in nature, working on my nurturing relationships with others and myself, and saying no to things that are bad for me.... like gelato and morning buns on the same day!

it's weird - i feel like i am able to laugh, and i am able to have conversations where i am present... i guess this is a new form of depression for me. not the frantic one from college, but a more calm, aware one. i think this one may allow me to live, but not in the way that i would like to be. i just have to be ok with that... and for now, i can be sad that i am, well, sad.

i swear, there's a backbone in here somewhere

so i think it's pretty much official that derek and i are no longer friends. i emailed him a week ago upon my return from utah, and i have heard nothing. it's weird - i know that he's not a good friend for me and that the group there won't hold me in the cradle of loving-kindness, but still i miss them. i feel rejected - by derek and by david. i definitely tried to make both relationships work, but my trip away from the city pretty much confirmed that neither will. i am trying to make the best of this, to focus on the fact that neither of them are good for me, but it doesn't seem to matter.

on top of this, i literally have four free days in front of me. i have no plans until 4:30p from today until thursday, and have nothing to do. this scares me. i am going to try my very, very hardest to really LIVE these four days and to make the best of it. it should be nice today so i am going to head to the gym (i am still way pudgy from surgery... and before) and then wander the mission armed with my camera and a book. i don't want to just survive every day, i want to enjoy every day. i think if i can really do that, it will both help my loneliness and my sense of rejection by these people in my life who do not treat me well. it's weird... i feel like i could easily reappraise this to make it me who is rejecting them, but i know in my heart that if they were to ask me back, i'd go running. blair, too.

where is all that self-righteousness that i had in college? that fight that i had in me when people treated me wrong? did i waste it all on ben? i can't have... it's in there somewhere, i just need to find it. i hope that it comes along with my confidence, which seems to be a little lost as well.

speaking of confidence, i visited the shambhala center yesterday morning. the place is a little weird, especially the chanting, but i still really liked the group meditation and the talk afterwards, on "the confidence to go beyond hesitation." they defined confidence not as an ego trait, but as a faith that one can handle any situation the world throws at you. i'm not sure i have that confidence yet, but at least it takes some of the pressure off.

ok, gym time. hopefully they have a backbone-strengthening machine in there somewhere :)

back in sf, and back in the hole

well, i'm back. i've been back since monday now, and each day i slowly lose a little bit of the self that i thought i reclaimed while in utah. on my last full day there, riding back to grand junction on that old bus, i had a lovely conversation with my friend kathy, who i see so much of myself in and aspire to be like one day. in dissecting me, and trying to diagnose the problems i've been having with loneliness, the answer we came to was confidence. i just need to figure out how to go out there and be me... and to hold myself in what shambhala calls "the cradle of loving-kindness," and hold others to that standard too.

but now, being back, i just feel lonely. i am trying to hold myself and others to that standard, and seem to just be isolating myself, which is not loving nor kind. i haven't contacted david or derek, which i know deep down is a good thing, since they are both selfish and seem to be unable to treat me with kindness... but i feel SO alone. and now i'm sabotaging myself. friday night i left kacey's party early because i was tired, and just unable to interact with people well, and then last night i didn't go out at all! i should have met up with evan, who does love me and will always treat me with kindness, but i had exhausted myself all day by being alone... and just wanted to sleep.

so here i am, it's early sunday morning, and i'm feeling so lonely. i am going to try to go to the shambhala center in the sunset, to go to their open house. i am scared that i am expecting to walk back into the loving environment of my utah trip, but instead will be all alone with my feelings and insecurities... which is probably a good thing.

i wish i could remember all of the things that i said to my therapist on tuesday, right after i got back. i felt so good, so happy and so secure. where is that feeling now? how did i let it go so quickly? i know this unstructured time is not good for me. i have till thursday, when i go home, and then after that a good month until i start work again. at least i have signed up for team in training again, so hopefully that will help starting in the end of may.

i need to feel less frantic about this. what would pema say? this is just a feeling, and if i can't alleviate it, i should elevate it. i need to sit with it, and explore it with playful curiosity. maybe meditating won't be such a bad idea after all... if i can do it.

i hate mondays.

i have been trying SO hard. all weekend i battled that desperate feeling, and what do i get? it's monday afternoon and it's still here. i get little respites from it, but it always comes back. right now i'm overwhelmed by simultaneous feelings of loneliness, regret, guilt and worry.

yesterday wasn't too bad. i woke up, cleaned my room, did my taxes, and then did errands with richard all day. i went to yoga, and then we had a bbq at the house. overall, it was a pretty good day. so then why is it that i woke up this morning with a black cloud over my head? i don't get it! i have been taking good care of myself - not drinking too much, working out every day, and trying not to indulge the guy compulsions... and it's not making a difference.

i feel so overwhelmed. if i work this hard to make myself feel better and i still feel this bad, what's the point? i know that i just have to keep working and working and one day it will be better, but i don't know if i can wait. i'm so scared, and alone...

therapist says that it's just a feeling, and i should sit with it and recognize it for what it is - a feeling that is not reality. it's just SO hard to do that when my heart feels like it's imploding and i'm desperately reaching out for anyone to help distract me.

there's that feeling again

i went to yoga this morning in an attempt to quiet my mind and strengthen my body. instead, i feel the same as i was before i went to yoga, with the addition of a little weakness in my shoulders. i am not nearly as strong as i was before surgery, but i know that at least physically, that will improve.

internally, i feel that same anxious, compulsive pull that used to always make me contact whichever guy was on my mind at the time. my therapist yesterday suggested just recognizing that it's a feeling and sitting with it, giving it almost like a play-by-play: "oh, here's that feeling again, i recognize it, it will go away soon, yup it's still here but this is usually about half-way, etc." i'm not so sure if that will work, but it definitely is a familiar feeling. i need to learn to disassociate my behaviors from the thoughts - in the same way that obsessive compulsive people learn that just because they feel dirty, they do not need to shower, for example. just because i feel lonely and compelled towards someone, i do not need to contact them.

it is 10am. if i can last till 11, then it will be time to shower and then head over to the richmond to meet evan for lunch. i can do this.

perspective

i went out to dinner with my roommate richard tonight. he's a really sweet guy, and the best roommate ever... but i have always had the sense that he has been tiptoeing around something. i first thought it was us, but it's more than that. he admitted a while ago that he deals with anxiety, which comforted me when i was going through my panic attacks around christmastime. tonight, on the way home from dinner, he admitted much more. he went to school with kip kinkle, one of the most famous school shooters of my era. furthermore, he not only went to school with him, but was stabbed by him a few days before the shooting, and witnessed a classmate getting shot point blank in the head. i can't even imagine...

i think, as horrible as this is, it helps me put my crap in perspective. sure, what i'm going through is pretty rough, but it's in on a totally different playing field. my anxieties over losing my mom and never finding a career or partner that satisfy me are kind of middle of the road in comparison.

i saw a new therapist today. i like him - he smiles a lot and does "therapisty" things that usually bug me, but they're always followed with understanding and advice that helps. he was really good about talking to me about practical ways to manage my anxiety and the compulsions i feel to get attached to guys. for the life of me, i can't remember what his actual phrase was, but it was something like "thoughts and emotions are separate from fact." we talked about how my anxiety ebbs and flows, and how it's like seeing the world through those glasses that change from kinda clear to sunglasses when there's light on them, but they never get fully clear. but regardless of the filter, what i see is not reality. it's always through the filter of anxiety. so, whenever i feel anxious or emotional or compulsive, i will just recognize that it is the filter that is making the world seem the way it is, and i will try and figure out what the fact is separate from that. it sounds so easy.... but i know it's gonna be rough.

sitting with the feeling

usually when i feel helplessly needy like i do right now, i run away or i give in to the feelings. either i run away to someplace like the gym, where i can do something active and healthy and for ME, or i end up calling/emailing/texting whichever guy i am feeling compelled towards at the moment. right now, i am feeling this urge in my chest, like a big rope is wrapped around my heart and is pulling me towards the computer. last night i gave in to the urge, and emailed him. he emailed back, but i am going to try VERY hard not to respond. it's not that i'm playing games, but it's that i want to know why i feel like this all the time. what is the real cause of these compulsions? is it that i won't feel ok if i don't have said guy in my life? or is it that i am so desperate for love that i can't hold back and just relax. it's crazy - i know that it's both healthier for me and more attractive to them if i am more in control and independent, but i can't seem to stop.

so, right now, i am just going to sit with it. my sports bras are wet so i can't run away to the gym, and i am going to try my very very hardest not to email. deep breaths. perhaps meditation will help?

trying to breathe... while not ignoring the truth

it's been almost a week since i was home, and i think i have finally recovered. it was a weird weekend, where i found myself falling back into the same patterns i fell into when mom got sick the first time. i became demanding, self-centered and needy. i felt like everyone should be at my beck and call, and should be doing everything possible to make me feel better.

that was bad. i now know that i need to be the one to take care of myself, and to do my very best to be as kind and loving to the people in my life as possible. at the same time, i also need to be picky about who i do and do not spend my time with. i know that i let people in very easily, and as a result get hurt frequently. i don't really have the strength to deal with that kind of additional hurt right now, and as a result i need to get picky... but not cut people out just because they aren't treating me like the princess i feel like they should be treating me as. it's hard figuring out where that line is.

for example, on friday when i flew back to SF, i called d to hang out. in hindsight, i was looking to him to take care of me a little bit, but i have been very cognizant of his late night selfishness. he promised an easy night, and i went over there. however, by the end of the night, he started chiding me for not doing shots with him, and told me that i made him uncomfortable by not being as drunk as he was. now, that was patently uncalled for... cancer mom or not. but at the same time, i don't know if i would have normally gotten so upset. i feel like normally i would have called him an idiot and entertained myself. however, i got upset, left the bar, and walked 10 blocks back to my car alone, feeling so, so alone.

saturday night i hung out with the roommate's friend, which was very nice... but i feel like i was following them around a little bit. i mean, i got invited, but i think i made myself too available. i find myself torn - i know that it is more attractive when a girl is busy and otherwise unavailable, but at the same time i feel like i need to be touched... to be held. ugh, i don't know what to do. i almost don't care. i have needs, that's it. but then i should stop messaging him all the time.

basically, i am having trouble telling my "ass from a whole in the ground," as my mom would say. i think too much, i overanalyze everything, and now i'm trying to act normally in an oversensitized state of mind. i think it's a good idea that i'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow.

what cancer can do

my mom has a little postcard-sized poem hanging above her desk, entitled "what cancer cannot do." it's an empowering piece of writing, enumerating all of the things that cancer can't do (wipe memories, shatter hope, etc etc). the problem, however, is that none of that is true. cancer can destroy relationships. or, at the very least, it can turn people into monsterous versions of themselves.

on tuesday mom my started chemo. she had her port-a-cath installed, and then did the first infusion, rituxan, in her oncologist's office. we were all thrilled - we had thought that the chemo would be 4 days and 3 nights in the hospital, but they figured out that the first 2 days could be done in the office, so only 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. that night we had a great family dinner - dan came over and i picked up mediterranean kitchen. we were all happy.

yesterday morning mom and i went to the gym, and she felt good. we went straight to dr. crossland's office for the second chemo drug, ifosfomide. i brought my laptop so we could watch chapter 4 of a new earth, and everyone seemed good. however, in the car on the way home, everything changed. mom stopped being the warm, happy, reasonable woman i know and love, and turned into the monster she became last time we went through this. i

n fact, this monster has come out before. the first time i remember it, it was after she hurt her back and decided to take herself off of the vicodin cold turkey. she is already a pretty sensitive person, but this turned her into the most volatile, over-reactive, nightmarish human being. last time she had cancer, i was so scared to lose her that i just let her act like a two-year-old the entire time. i let her get unreasonable, i indulged her mood swings, and i just let her behave like a baby. a mean baby. this time, however, i refuse.

you see, if i do this again, i will be letting cancer win. she gets in these moods where something nonsensical hurts her feelings and BAM! it's the whole "i have cancer and i don't have to let you treat me this way" speech starts. and then it snowballs. whenever she does this, a little piece of my soul dies. because this unreasonable behavior is also in me, and it is something i have worked so hard to control. i think she has too, but when she gets sick, she stops caring. she hurts my feelings by accusing me of being mean to her, when in fact all i want is for her to feel better.

it cuts so deep. last night it was some misunderstanding about her ipod. she wanted me to fix it, i asked her when, she got mad at me for not understanding that she meant right that minute, and when i went to explain how the misunderstanding happened, she started again - "i don't have to feel like this. i have cancer and i am going into the hospital tomorrow and i don't have to let you make me feel bad the night before i go to the hospital." i mean, EXCUSE ME? i am here, in seattle, taking time out of my life in a particularly difficult time in my life to help you, and you are accusing me of willingly making you feel bad? seriously?

normally i would have just let her storm off and gone to bed, but this time i decided, perhaps unwisely, to tell her my decision not to let cancer wreck our relationship again. that backfired. she doesn't care. that's the thing, cancer turns my mom into a baby, who doesn't care about other people's feelings and who doesn't give a shit who else feels crappy too. and it's not that hard to make us feel bad. she knows how to cut right down to the heart.

i don't know how to handle this. last night i sobbed myself to sleep, but i can't do that all the time. i can't find a new therapist, and i need help with this so badly. it's just the cruel, cruel irony of all of this, is that i am working so hard to learn to be "in the moment" and "focusing on the present," when in reality my present just fucking sucks. i mean, my mom is still ALIVE, which should be cause for rejoicing, but she's alive and being a bitch who i don't want to be around... but i know that if she doesn't make it through this, i will regret fighting with her for the rest of my life. ... which is why i let her be such a pill last round. i don't know what to do, but i can't live like this.

heading home

tomorrow morning i fly home to seattle. mom is getting another port-a-cath installed in the morning, and then chemo starts in the afternoon. dad will be around until i get there, when he heads back to work.

i know i have been trying to take this all in stride, but last night it all hit me. it's starting again, and i don't want to do it. i feel like a two-year-old, and all i want to do is just lie on the floor and kick and scream until its over. i feel helpless and out of control, like i'm spinning again and i can't stop. my chest is tight and i can't seem to get a full breath.

the best thing for mom is just to stay positive and make this whole experience as easy as possible. keeping her laughing is so important, and if i get dark and scared, it will be her taking care of me. i need to get strong, and i just don't know if i can.

this past weekend was lovely - lots of friends, distraction and aimless wanderings. the new guy was out of town, but by sunday night i figured he'd be back and i didn't hear anything. instead of staying mysterious and busy, i messaged him this morning, and again this afternoon. however, i am going to try and stay as positive about this as i can, and be proud that i didn't push myself on him. i wanted to stop by tonight, but he said he couldn't go to trivia, which means he's not interested in seeing me. this one is tough, since i know he wants me physically but i run the chance of pushing him away emotionally. i need to use this as a gauge of how needy i feel, and make sure i take as good of care of myself as i can...

i don't want to do this.

a welcome distraction

well, i did it. i know i was proud of not sleeping with d's new roommate's friend last weekend, but after a whole week of constant chatting all day, i couldn't hold out. he messaged me on monday, and texted me that night... and then we messaged all day weds and thurs. there was plenty of sexual innuendo, and a lot of banter. he continues to ride that border between gentle teasing and going too far, but never quiet gets over the line. it's tough, because i really enjoy talking to him, but there's something about his pride and ego that turns me off, and makes me want to cut him down to normal. but, in the end, i figure if i am sweet to him and call him on his shit, that i'll be able to just enjoy the wit and banter without the crap. so far, it seems to be working.

yesterday afternoon he invited me over to hang out that night, and i did make him actually ask, instead of telling me that i could come over if i wanted. b was that kind of cocky, but i was so excited to spend time with him that i never made him actually ask and plan. i would just jump every time he suggested that he was free, and he got lazy. this time i am going to try not to be so complacent and agreeable.

anyway, although there is a small part of me that still ascribes to the miss manners style of dating, i figure this isn't really dating since he has someone on the east coast and i'm really just looking to play. in the end, although i want him to call when he gets back from his trip, if he doesn't i still will not regret the sex. i have needs, dammit. but... it would be fun to keep this thing going.... i need to stop being so wishful.

please save my mommy

we just found out that my mom's sister is not a match. therefore, we need a donor. this was expected, but what is a little shocking is that mom's oncologist thinks that we should get started on this before we find a donor, which may take months. she's getting a port-a-cath again tomorrow, and will probably start chemo soon. i have been surviving every day since her re-diagnosis with the reassurance that she's feeling good now, which is all that matters. however, once they start chemo, she will be feeling nauseous and weak again... which i don't want to see again.

i know there's nothing i can do, and there's no point in being mad or frustrated, but i can't help feeling like an obstinate two-year old. i don't wanna! i just don't wanna!

i love my mom so much, and i don't want to see her suffer again. but i don't have any choice but to buck up, put on a brave face, and make her as much soup as possible. because that's what we do.

i now know where i get it from

my dad is so negative sometimes. every time i talk to him he keeps bringing up the fact that mom might die. and although i KNOW that it's a possibility, i don't like thinking about it. i have asked him to stop, but he doesn't... and i don't know if it's better that i just ignore the fact that she might die so that i can stay happy in my day to day life, or if it's better to keep the possibility in my consciousness so that i am more in touch with reality.

i don't know. what i do know is that i don't want her to die, and i don't want to have to think about it, because every time i do it sends me into a tailspin... and its hard enough staying afloat as it is.

one step at a time

so it's been half a week of the drinking cap i placed on myself, and so far so good. saturday one of d's new roommate's friends invited me to join them on a pub crawl through the richmond, and d and i worked really hard to communicate and make sure we got through ok... and it worked! i will admit that it was kind of hard at times to work at talking to new people, but i think that ultimately it worked in my favor.

i ended up spending a lot of time with the friend who invited me along, who i really enjoy. he comes across as kind of arrogant (ok, really arrogant), but had been sweet to me the whole time. in addition, he's ridiculously witty, which gets me every time. i worked hard not to follow him around, but to talk to interesting other people throughout the pub crawl... and by the end he was touching my waist and dragging me into a lamp store. sure enough, he invited me back to his house to watch labyrinth after the crawl. i mean, really? labyrinth? a man after my own heart. i have to admit that i really loved that he knew as many of the lines and lyrics that i did, and although i know he used it to get me in bed, i really don't mind.

while i am proud that i didn't have sex with him, even though i wanted to, i am a little worried that i am falling into a fairly established pattern. he and i have been on gchat all week, and my heart does a little pitter patter every time i hear from him. i know he likes me, but he has some chick on the east coast. i need to be very careful of emotionally unavailable guys, and although i am just thinking of this as an interesting new guy who is fun to play with, i fear that i am not as strong as louisa when it comes to this. she has always been so good at not letting her heart get all tied up in this stuff until it's appropriate, and i keep wishing i could do it too. as a result, i keep ending up in these situations to "test myself," which ends badly. i am going to do my very, very best to focus on the present when it comes to this new guy and not worry about the future, but i also need to just breathe and listen to my heart.

this rollercoaster needs to slow down

last night was too much for me. it basically took me all day to feel like myself again, and i can't let that happen again anytime soon or else i may not be able to take it. i have decided to put myself on a 2-drink limit for the weekend, in order to prevent myself from getting as volatile as i was last night. this may be difficult tomorrow at the pub crawl, but as long as i take it slow and maintain my awareness, i should be able to navigate ok. this truly is a journey into myself, as i learn what my pitfalls are and how to avoid them in order to stay as true to myself as possible. a little like the princess bride, but without the ROUSes.

moving backwards?

just came back from dinner with d, and although i'm 3/4 of a bottle of wine in the bag, i still feel like i have a long way to go. as much as i tried to show to him how ok i am, and how strong i am, and how great i am... i still end up feeling like his eyes go right through me. he has told me again and again how much he needs to be playing right now, and i keep not listening. tonight i listened, but i still ended up feeling sad. he really is LIKE the kind of guy i want to be with, but it's important that i remember that HE is not the person i want to be with. he will just hurt me. i need to focus on myself, and to take care of myself.

when i drink too much, i feel sad. it's like the opposite of what happens to alcoholics - instead of feeling better when i drink, i feel worse. it's hard, because i love wine, and the comraderie that comes with drinking... but right now i just feel lonely. i just texted b to see if he wants to come over, but i know he won't write back. which just makes me feel worse. he doesn't deserve me, and yet i still want him. if it's on my own call, is it still ok? probably not worth stressing over... since he won't come.

i am torn between wanting to be comforted by a guy, and wanting the satisfaction of comforting myself. i just kind of wish i had a group of friends like bridget jones, who come over and take my side and just build me up when i feel down. but that's not my reality. my reality is that i have some loner roommates, occasionally good friends who are more invested in their own lives, and a fat cat to come home to. and that has to be ok.

it will be ok.

living in the aqui

tonight i found myself recounting the weekend's drama to my friend kate, which made me feel bad all over again. not worth it. i spend so much time thinking about the past or dreaming about the future, that i forget to appreciate what i have now. on saturday night i had a lovely drunken conversation with this guy about "living in the now," or as we decided to call it, "living in the aqui."

that is what i am going to do. every time i find myself pining for a long lost time, or wishing i had something that won't ever happen, i am going to instead find something that i have now, and concentrate on being thankful for it. maybe i'll even make a list.

while scooting home from trivia i found myself wishing i was back in d's arms, with him stroking my hair... feeling so peaceful. but that time is past, and there's no point wishing it back.

instead i will be grateful for how lucky i am to live in such a beautiful city, and to be driving such a fun zippy scooter. i had a mahvelous time at trivia with kate and the girls, and i am grateful that i can play and then go home to my comfy bed and purring cat.

i even did something nice for emily tonight too. it is in this mindset that i will go to sleep, and hopefully i will wake up a little less freaked out than i usually do... i hope.

is it possible that i'm running from myself?

i spent this weekend incredibly lost. i don't know who i am or what i want, and instead turn to people i enjoy being around to distract me and make me feel better. for the last three or so weeks that has been my new friend d, who broke up with his girlfriend right around when i broke up with b and had my foot surgery... so we found each other when we were both hurting and looking for attention from the opposite sex.

the sexual tension was there from the beginning - i have always been a sucker for attention and flattery, and i used to catch him staring at me when he thought i wasn't looking. it doesn't help that he's great fun to be around, and our intellectual chemistry is great. he's smart, fun, sexy, and he likes cars and motorcycles: pretty much everything i look for in a guy. however, he's been very clear with me from the beginning that he is still in love with his ex, and is just looking to have as much sex as possible without any attachment. i know myself well enough to know that sleeping with him was going to be a bad idea, but not well enough to realize that spending all weekend together several weekends in a row, making out and sleeping over a few times would get me more attached to him romantically than i could handle.

it came to a head friday night when we went out for happy hour and ended up doing $1 shots of tequila at the lex, where we saw quentin tarantino. at that point, honestly all i wanted to do was go home and snuggle with d, but he wanted to go hit on girls at beauty bar. i got upset, went home alone, and woke up miserable on saturday morning. he called, apologized, and i stupidly went and spent the day with him again... and went out with him and some other people that night, and again felt my stomach drop when it became clear that he was going to go home with some slut.

it's not like we haven't talked about this at nauseum, either - he has been nothing but completely honest and clear with me... and all i did was ignore it.

why do i do this? is it because i am so desperate for distraction that i will seek it out even when i know i will get hurt in the end? or do i lie to myself so much that i don't see it coming? honestly, i think it's because i don't respect myself enough to provide the flattery and comfort that i feel when i am with these guys.

i don't like being alone... and need to learn how to hold myself up and roll solo if i am ever going to find my own path and survive this year.

it's not as easy as it sounds, when all i want is to be held.

quarter-life crisis on crack

my mom has cancer. again. there, i said it. and that's not even all of it. i really have no idea what i want to do with my life. there. is that all of it? ...i think that's everything.

i've never been a big journal-er, or ever in a million years thought i would be a "blogger," but i have enough on my mind that i think it just might help to get it all out. well, that and hopefully some of this resonates with someone out there, and they won't feel as alone as i have.

this is actually the second time my mom has gotten cancer. the first time was in the end of august 2005, about 3 weeks before i started grad school. the first time, i was scared but i had no choice but to just muscle through. i went home as much as i could, and concentrated as hard as i could on not failing out of school... and it turns out, mom survived, got better, and i got all As. of course.

fast forward 2.5 years, and here we are again. except this time i have no distraction. i realized about two months ago that grad school is making me miserable. i think it's a pretty typical "quarter-life crisis" - but instead of waxing existential and being angsty while staying employed, i instead full out panicked. in between panic attacks, i realized that it didn't make any sense to stay in school just for the sake of it, and realized i needed a break. apparently that's a "brave" thing to do, but for me it was a matter of survival: the more i thought about taking time off, the calmer i became. easy.

i had surgery to repair a broken bone in my foot, and really relished the mental time off... which just confirmed my decision to take a mental health break. however, as i recovered, i began to stress again about finding a job. well, stress isn't the right word. panic is more like it. see a trend here?

i suppose the one good thing about this new cancer diagnosis is that it put the quarter-life panic to rest real quick... by replacing it with new panic.

fear aside, this has definitely put my priorities in order. i am spending much more time working on keeping things in perspective, valuing the time i have with my mom and the rest of my friends and family, and just generally trying to chill.

we'll see how well that goes....