trying to breathe... while not ignoring the truth

it's been almost a week since i was home, and i think i have finally recovered. it was a weird weekend, where i found myself falling back into the same patterns i fell into when mom got sick the first time. i became demanding, self-centered and needy. i felt like everyone should be at my beck and call, and should be doing everything possible to make me feel better.

that was bad. i now know that i need to be the one to take care of myself, and to do my very best to be as kind and loving to the people in my life as possible. at the same time, i also need to be picky about who i do and do not spend my time with. i know that i let people in very easily, and as a result get hurt frequently. i don't really have the strength to deal with that kind of additional hurt right now, and as a result i need to get picky... but not cut people out just because they aren't treating me like the princess i feel like they should be treating me as. it's hard figuring out where that line is.

for example, on friday when i flew back to SF, i called d to hang out. in hindsight, i was looking to him to take care of me a little bit, but i have been very cognizant of his late night selfishness. he promised an easy night, and i went over there. however, by the end of the night, he started chiding me for not doing shots with him, and told me that i made him uncomfortable by not being as drunk as he was. now, that was patently uncalled for... cancer mom or not. but at the same time, i don't know if i would have normally gotten so upset. i feel like normally i would have called him an idiot and entertained myself. however, i got upset, left the bar, and walked 10 blocks back to my car alone, feeling so, so alone.

saturday night i hung out with the roommate's friend, which was very nice... but i feel like i was following them around a little bit. i mean, i got invited, but i think i made myself too available. i find myself torn - i know that it is more attractive when a girl is busy and otherwise unavailable, but at the same time i feel like i need to be touched... to be held. ugh, i don't know what to do. i almost don't care. i have needs, that's it. but then i should stop messaging him all the time.

basically, i am having trouble telling my "ass from a whole in the ground," as my mom would say. i think too much, i overanalyze everything, and now i'm trying to act normally in an oversensitized state of mind. i think it's a good idea that i'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow.