i went to yoga this morning in an attempt to quiet my mind and strengthen my body. instead, i feel the same as i was before i went to yoga, with the addition of a little weakness in my shoulders. i am not nearly as strong as i was before surgery, but i know that at least physically, that will improve.
internally, i feel that same anxious, compulsive pull that used to always make me contact whichever guy was on my mind at the time. my therapist yesterday suggested just recognizing that it's a feeling and sitting with it, giving it almost like a play-by-play: "oh, here's that feeling again, i recognize it, it will go away soon, yup it's still here but this is usually about half-way, etc." i'm not so sure if that will work, but it definitely is a familiar feeling. i need to learn to disassociate my behaviors from the thoughts - in the same way that obsessive compulsive people learn that just because they feel dirty, they do not need to shower, for example. just because i feel lonely and compelled towards someone, i do not need to contact them.
it is 10am. if i can last till 11, then it will be time to shower and then head over to the richmond to meet evan for lunch. i can do this.
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