what cancer can do

my mom has a little postcard-sized poem hanging above her desk, entitled "what cancer cannot do." it's an empowering piece of writing, enumerating all of the things that cancer can't do (wipe memories, shatter hope, etc etc). the problem, however, is that none of that is true. cancer can destroy relationships. or, at the very least, it can turn people into monsterous versions of themselves.

on tuesday mom my started chemo. she had her port-a-cath installed, and then did the first infusion, rituxan, in her oncologist's office. we were all thrilled - we had thought that the chemo would be 4 days and 3 nights in the hospital, but they figured out that the first 2 days could be done in the office, so only 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. that night we had a great family dinner - dan came over and i picked up mediterranean kitchen. we were all happy.

yesterday morning mom and i went to the gym, and she felt good. we went straight to dr. crossland's office for the second chemo drug, ifosfomide. i brought my laptop so we could watch chapter 4 of a new earth, and everyone seemed good. however, in the car on the way home, everything changed. mom stopped being the warm, happy, reasonable woman i know and love, and turned into the monster she became last time we went through this. i

n fact, this monster has come out before. the first time i remember it, it was after she hurt her back and decided to take herself off of the vicodin cold turkey. she is already a pretty sensitive person, but this turned her into the most volatile, over-reactive, nightmarish human being. last time she had cancer, i was so scared to lose her that i just let her act like a two-year-old the entire time. i let her get unreasonable, i indulged her mood swings, and i just let her behave like a baby. a mean baby. this time, however, i refuse.

you see, if i do this again, i will be letting cancer win. she gets in these moods where something nonsensical hurts her feelings and BAM! it's the whole "i have cancer and i don't have to let you treat me this way" speech starts. and then it snowballs. whenever she does this, a little piece of my soul dies. because this unreasonable behavior is also in me, and it is something i have worked so hard to control. i think she has too, but when she gets sick, she stops caring. she hurts my feelings by accusing me of being mean to her, when in fact all i want is for her to feel better.

it cuts so deep. last night it was some misunderstanding about her ipod. she wanted me to fix it, i asked her when, she got mad at me for not understanding that she meant right that minute, and when i went to explain how the misunderstanding happened, she started again - "i don't have to feel like this. i have cancer and i am going into the hospital tomorrow and i don't have to let you make me feel bad the night before i go to the hospital." i mean, EXCUSE ME? i am here, in seattle, taking time out of my life in a particularly difficult time in my life to help you, and you are accusing me of willingly making you feel bad? seriously?

normally i would have just let her storm off and gone to bed, but this time i decided, perhaps unwisely, to tell her my decision not to let cancer wreck our relationship again. that backfired. she doesn't care. that's the thing, cancer turns my mom into a baby, who doesn't care about other people's feelings and who doesn't give a shit who else feels crappy too. and it's not that hard to make us feel bad. she knows how to cut right down to the heart.

i don't know how to handle this. last night i sobbed myself to sleep, but i can't do that all the time. i can't find a new therapist, and i need help with this so badly. it's just the cruel, cruel irony of all of this, is that i am working so hard to learn to be "in the moment" and "focusing on the present," when in reality my present just fucking sucks. i mean, my mom is still ALIVE, which should be cause for rejoicing, but she's alive and being a bitch who i don't want to be around... but i know that if she doesn't make it through this, i will regret fighting with her for the rest of my life. ... which is why i let her be such a pill last round. i don't know what to do, but i can't live like this.