i spent this weekend incredibly lost. i don't know who i am or what i want, and instead turn to people i enjoy being around to distract me and make me feel better. for the last three or so weeks that has been my new friend d, who broke up with his girlfriend right around when i broke up with b and had my foot surgery... so we found each other when we were both hurting and looking for attention from the opposite sex.
the sexual tension was there from the beginning - i have always been a sucker for attention and flattery, and i used to catch him staring at me when he thought i wasn't looking. it doesn't help that he's great fun to be around, and our intellectual chemistry is great. he's smart, fun, sexy, and he likes cars and motorcycles: pretty much everything i look for in a guy. however, he's been very clear with me from the beginning that he is still in love with his ex, and is just looking to have as much sex as possible without any attachment. i know myself well enough to know that sleeping with him was going to be a bad idea, but not well enough to realize that spending all weekend together several weekends in a row, making out and sleeping over a few times would get me more attached to him romantically than i could handle.
it came to a head friday night when we went out for happy hour and ended up doing $1 shots of tequila at the lex, where we saw quentin tarantino. at that point, honestly all i wanted to do was go home and snuggle with d, but he wanted to go hit on girls at beauty bar. i got upset, went home alone, and woke up miserable on saturday morning. he called, apologized, and i stupidly went and spent the day with him again... and went out with him and some other people that night, and again felt my stomach drop when it became clear that he was going to go home with some slut.
it's not like we haven't talked about this at nauseum, either - he has been nothing but completely honest and clear with me... and all i did was ignore it.
why do i do this? is it because i am so desperate for distraction that i will seek it out even when i know i will get hurt in the end? or do i lie to myself so much that i don't see it coming? honestly, i think it's because i don't respect myself enough to provide the flattery and comfort that i feel when i am with these guys.
i don't like being alone... and need to learn how to hold myself up and roll solo if i am ever going to find my own path and survive this year.
it's not as easy as it sounds, when all i want is to be held.
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