just came back from dinner with d, and although i'm 3/4 of a bottle of wine in the bag, i still feel like i have a long way to go. as much as i tried to show to him how ok i am, and how strong i am, and how great i am... i still end up feeling like his eyes go right through me. he has told me again and again how much he needs to be playing right now, and i keep not listening. tonight i listened, but i still ended up feeling sad. he really is LIKE the kind of guy i want to be with, but it's important that i remember that HE is not the person i want to be with. he will just hurt me. i need to focus on myself, and to take care of myself.
when i drink too much, i feel sad. it's like the opposite of what happens to alcoholics - instead of feeling better when i drink, i feel worse. it's hard, because i love wine, and the comraderie that comes with drinking... but right now i just feel lonely. i just texted b to see if he wants to come over, but i know he won't write back. which just makes me feel worse. he doesn't deserve me, and yet i still want him. if it's on my own call, is it still ok? probably not worth stressing over... since he won't come.
i am torn between wanting to be comforted by a guy, and wanting the satisfaction of comforting myself. i just kind of wish i had a group of friends like bridget jones, who come over and take my side and just build me up when i feel down. but that's not my reality. my reality is that i have some loner roommates, occasionally good friends who are more invested in their own lives, and a fat cat to come home to. and that has to be ok.
it will be ok.
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