tomorrow morning i fly home to seattle. mom is getting another port-a-cath installed in the morning, and then chemo starts in the afternoon. dad will be around until i get there, when he heads back to work.
i know i have been trying to take this all in stride, but last night it all hit me. it's starting again, and i don't want to do it. i feel like a two-year-old, and all i want to do is just lie on the floor and kick and scream until its over. i feel helpless and out of control, like i'm spinning again and i can't stop. my chest is tight and i can't seem to get a full breath.
the best thing for mom is just to stay positive and make this whole experience as easy as possible. keeping her laughing is so important, and if i get dark and scared, it will be her taking care of me. i need to get strong, and i just don't know if i can.
this past weekend was lovely - lots of friends, distraction and aimless wanderings. the new guy was out of town, but by sunday night i figured he'd be back and i didn't hear anything. instead of staying mysterious and busy, i messaged him this morning, and again this afternoon. however, i am going to try and stay as positive about this as i can, and be proud that i didn't push myself on him. i wanted to stop by tonight, but he said he couldn't go to trivia, which means he's not interested in seeing me. this one is tough, since i know he wants me physically but i run the chance of pushing him away emotionally. i need to use this as a gauge of how needy i feel, and make sure i take as good of care of myself as i can...
i don't want to do this.
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