i swear, there's a backbone in here somewhere

so i think it's pretty much official that derek and i are no longer friends. i emailed him a week ago upon my return from utah, and i have heard nothing. it's weird - i know that he's not a good friend for me and that the group there won't hold me in the cradle of loving-kindness, but still i miss them. i feel rejected - by derek and by david. i definitely tried to make both relationships work, but my trip away from the city pretty much confirmed that neither will. i am trying to make the best of this, to focus on the fact that neither of them are good for me, but it doesn't seem to matter.

on top of this, i literally have four free days in front of me. i have no plans until 4:30p from today until thursday, and have nothing to do. this scares me. i am going to try my very, very hardest to really LIVE these four days and to make the best of it. it should be nice today so i am going to head to the gym (i am still way pudgy from surgery... and before) and then wander the mission armed with my camera and a book. i don't want to just survive every day, i want to enjoy every day. i think if i can really do that, it will both help my loneliness and my sense of rejection by these people in my life who do not treat me well. it's weird... i feel like i could easily reappraise this to make it me who is rejecting them, but i know in my heart that if they were to ask me back, i'd go running. blair, too.

where is all that self-righteousness that i had in college? that fight that i had in me when people treated me wrong? did i waste it all on ben? i can't have... it's in there somewhere, i just need to find it. i hope that it comes along with my confidence, which seems to be a little lost as well.

speaking of confidence, i visited the shambhala center yesterday morning. the place is a little weird, especially the chanting, but i still really liked the group meditation and the talk afterwards, on "the confidence to go beyond hesitation." they defined confidence not as an ego trait, but as a faith that one can handle any situation the world throws at you. i'm not sure i have that confidence yet, but at least it takes some of the pressure off.

ok, gym time. hopefully they have a backbone-strengthening machine in there somewhere :)