back in sf, and back in the hole

well, i'm back. i've been back since monday now, and each day i slowly lose a little bit of the self that i thought i reclaimed while in utah. on my last full day there, riding back to grand junction on that old bus, i had a lovely conversation with my friend kathy, who i see so much of myself in and aspire to be like one day. in dissecting me, and trying to diagnose the problems i've been having with loneliness, the answer we came to was confidence. i just need to figure out how to go out there and be me... and to hold myself in what shambhala calls "the cradle of loving-kindness," and hold others to that standard too.

but now, being back, i just feel lonely. i am trying to hold myself and others to that standard, and seem to just be isolating myself, which is not loving nor kind. i haven't contacted david or derek, which i know deep down is a good thing, since they are both selfish and seem to be unable to treat me with kindness... but i feel SO alone. and now i'm sabotaging myself. friday night i left kacey's party early because i was tired, and just unable to interact with people well, and then last night i didn't go out at all! i should have met up with evan, who does love me and will always treat me with kindness, but i had exhausted myself all day by being alone... and just wanted to sleep.

so here i am, it's early sunday morning, and i'm feeling so lonely. i am going to try to go to the shambhala center in the sunset, to go to their open house. i am scared that i am expecting to walk back into the loving environment of my utah trip, but instead will be all alone with my feelings and insecurities... which is probably a good thing.

i wish i could remember all of the things that i said to my therapist on tuesday, right after i got back. i felt so good, so happy and so secure. where is that feeling now? how did i let it go so quickly? i know this unstructured time is not good for me. i have till thursday, when i go home, and then after that a good month until i start work again. at least i have signed up for team in training again, so hopefully that will help starting in the end of may.

i need to feel less frantic about this. what would pema say? this is just a feeling, and if i can't alleviate it, i should elevate it. i need to sit with it, and explore it with playful curiosity. maybe meditating won't be such a bad idea after all... if i can do it.