it's amazing how quickly things change. today was going pretty well - got up early, went to the gym and ran 1.25 miles and did an hour of yoga, then came home, showered and headed down to palo alto, where i picked up christina and we went to pick up my wine at the winery, did some shopping and had a lovely lunch. then, like a masochist, i get in the car and call mom. she's depressed and self-righteous, as usual, and starts railing on how little respect she has for my brother.
this is not going to be an easy weekend. and the thing that makes it so hard for me is that i just want some support and understanding through what i'm going through... and instead everyone's looking to me to prop them up - and i don't know if i can do it.
i don't know if this is the depression or just the crushing weight of the reality of my life right now, but it sucks. i just want everyone to feel better, including myself. it feels so selfish, but i need them whole so they can help me... because with my whole support system in pieces, i fall apart.
i do, i feel numb. i feel disconnected, unmotivated and so, so tired. all i want to do is just lie on my bed and watch pictures move across my tv screen. this is no way to live... and when i'm out with people or on the phone, my old happy self comes back... but somehow, when i'm alone, i just wilt.
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