depressed

well, it's official. i met with therapist today, and told him how sleepy, robotic and distracted i have been all week... and he told me that i was clinically depressed. i guess it makes sense, i just didn't want to think about it that way. i do feel anhedonic, and i do feel disconnected. it's nice to have a reason for all of this, but i didn't want to have to return to depression after so many years away. hello, old friend.

he did give me some good suggestions: nature, nurture, novelty and no. i think "no" is one i could stand to work on a bit... especially "no to tasty things!" i think this would be a good time to try out new things and places (something i wanted to do anyway), do some more exploring in nature, working on my nurturing relationships with others and myself, and saying no to things that are bad for me.... like gelato and morning buns on the same day!

it's weird - i feel like i am able to laugh, and i am able to have conversations where i am present... i guess this is a new form of depression for me. not the frantic one from college, but a more calm, aware one. i think this one may allow me to live, but not in the way that i would like to be. i just have to be ok with that... and for now, i can be sad that i am, well, sad.