what cancer can do

my mom has a little postcard-sized poem hanging above her desk, entitled "what cancer cannot do." it's an empowering piece of writing, enumerating all of the things that cancer can't do (wipe memories, shatter hope, etc etc). the problem, however, is that none of that is true. cancer can destroy relationships. or, at the very least, it can turn people into monsterous versions of themselves.

on tuesday mom my started chemo. she had her port-a-cath installed, and then did the first infusion, rituxan, in her oncologist's office. we were all thrilled - we had thought that the chemo would be 4 days and 3 nights in the hospital, but they figured out that the first 2 days could be done in the office, so only 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. that night we had a great family dinner - dan came over and i picked up mediterranean kitchen. we were all happy.

yesterday morning mom and i went to the gym, and she felt good. we went straight to dr. crossland's office for the second chemo drug, ifosfomide. i brought my laptop so we could watch chapter 4 of a new earth, and everyone seemed good. however, in the car on the way home, everything changed. mom stopped being the warm, happy, reasonable woman i know and love, and turned into the monster she became last time we went through this. i

n fact, this monster has come out before. the first time i remember it, it was after she hurt her back and decided to take herself off of the vicodin cold turkey. she is already a pretty sensitive person, but this turned her into the most volatile, over-reactive, nightmarish human being. last time she had cancer, i was so scared to lose her that i just let her act like a two-year-old the entire time. i let her get unreasonable, i indulged her mood swings, and i just let her behave like a baby. a mean baby. this time, however, i refuse.

you see, if i do this again, i will be letting cancer win. she gets in these moods where something nonsensical hurts her feelings and BAM! it's the whole "i have cancer and i don't have to let you treat me this way" speech starts. and then it snowballs. whenever she does this, a little piece of my soul dies. because this unreasonable behavior is also in me, and it is something i have worked so hard to control. i think she has too, but when she gets sick, she stops caring. she hurts my feelings by accusing me of being mean to her, when in fact all i want is for her to feel better.

it cuts so deep. last night it was some misunderstanding about her ipod. she wanted me to fix it, i asked her when, she got mad at me for not understanding that she meant right that minute, and when i went to explain how the misunderstanding happened, she started again - "i don't have to feel like this. i have cancer and i am going into the hospital tomorrow and i don't have to let you make me feel bad the night before i go to the hospital." i mean, EXCUSE ME? i am here, in seattle, taking time out of my life in a particularly difficult time in my life to help you, and you are accusing me of willingly making you feel bad? seriously?

normally i would have just let her storm off and gone to bed, but this time i decided, perhaps unwisely, to tell her my decision not to let cancer wreck our relationship again. that backfired. she doesn't care. that's the thing, cancer turns my mom into a baby, who doesn't care about other people's feelings and who doesn't give a shit who else feels crappy too. and it's not that hard to make us feel bad. she knows how to cut right down to the heart.

i don't know how to handle this. last night i sobbed myself to sleep, but i can't do that all the time. i can't find a new therapist, and i need help with this so badly. it's just the cruel, cruel irony of all of this, is that i am working so hard to learn to be "in the moment" and "focusing on the present," when in reality my present just fucking sucks. i mean, my mom is still ALIVE, which should be cause for rejoicing, but she's alive and being a bitch who i don't want to be around... but i know that if she doesn't make it through this, i will regret fighting with her for the rest of my life. ... which is why i let her be such a pill last round. i don't know what to do, but i can't live like this.

heading home

tomorrow morning i fly home to seattle. mom is getting another port-a-cath installed in the morning, and then chemo starts in the afternoon. dad will be around until i get there, when he heads back to work.

i know i have been trying to take this all in stride, but last night it all hit me. it's starting again, and i don't want to do it. i feel like a two-year-old, and all i want to do is just lie on the floor and kick and scream until its over. i feel helpless and out of control, like i'm spinning again and i can't stop. my chest is tight and i can't seem to get a full breath.

the best thing for mom is just to stay positive and make this whole experience as easy as possible. keeping her laughing is so important, and if i get dark and scared, it will be her taking care of me. i need to get strong, and i just don't know if i can.

this past weekend was lovely - lots of friends, distraction and aimless wanderings. the new guy was out of town, but by sunday night i figured he'd be back and i didn't hear anything. instead of staying mysterious and busy, i messaged him this morning, and again this afternoon. however, i am going to try and stay as positive about this as i can, and be proud that i didn't push myself on him. i wanted to stop by tonight, but he said he couldn't go to trivia, which means he's not interested in seeing me. this one is tough, since i know he wants me physically but i run the chance of pushing him away emotionally. i need to use this as a gauge of how needy i feel, and make sure i take as good of care of myself as i can...

i don't want to do this.

a welcome distraction

well, i did it. i know i was proud of not sleeping with d's new roommate's friend last weekend, but after a whole week of constant chatting all day, i couldn't hold out. he messaged me on monday, and texted me that night... and then we messaged all day weds and thurs. there was plenty of sexual innuendo, and a lot of banter. he continues to ride that border between gentle teasing and going too far, but never quiet gets over the line. it's tough, because i really enjoy talking to him, but there's something about his pride and ego that turns me off, and makes me want to cut him down to normal. but, in the end, i figure if i am sweet to him and call him on his shit, that i'll be able to just enjoy the wit and banter without the crap. so far, it seems to be working.

yesterday afternoon he invited me over to hang out that night, and i did make him actually ask, instead of telling me that i could come over if i wanted. b was that kind of cocky, but i was so excited to spend time with him that i never made him actually ask and plan. i would just jump every time he suggested that he was free, and he got lazy. this time i am going to try not to be so complacent and agreeable.

anyway, although there is a small part of me that still ascribes to the miss manners style of dating, i figure this isn't really dating since he has someone on the east coast and i'm really just looking to play. in the end, although i want him to call when he gets back from his trip, if he doesn't i still will not regret the sex. i have needs, dammit. but... it would be fun to keep this thing going.... i need to stop being so wishful.

please save my mommy

we just found out that my mom's sister is not a match. therefore, we need a donor. this was expected, but what is a little shocking is that mom's oncologist thinks that we should get started on this before we find a donor, which may take months. she's getting a port-a-cath again tomorrow, and will probably start chemo soon. i have been surviving every day since her re-diagnosis with the reassurance that she's feeling good now, which is all that matters. however, once they start chemo, she will be feeling nauseous and weak again... which i don't want to see again.

i know there's nothing i can do, and there's no point in being mad or frustrated, but i can't help feeling like an obstinate two-year old. i don't wanna! i just don't wanna!

i love my mom so much, and i don't want to see her suffer again. but i don't have any choice but to buck up, put on a brave face, and make her as much soup as possible. because that's what we do.

i now know where i get it from

my dad is so negative sometimes. every time i talk to him he keeps bringing up the fact that mom might die. and although i KNOW that it's a possibility, i don't like thinking about it. i have asked him to stop, but he doesn't... and i don't know if it's better that i just ignore the fact that she might die so that i can stay happy in my day to day life, or if it's better to keep the possibility in my consciousness so that i am more in touch with reality.

i don't know. what i do know is that i don't want her to die, and i don't want to have to think about it, because every time i do it sends me into a tailspin... and its hard enough staying afloat as it is.

one step at a time

so it's been half a week of the drinking cap i placed on myself, and so far so good. saturday one of d's new roommate's friends invited me to join them on a pub crawl through the richmond, and d and i worked really hard to communicate and make sure we got through ok... and it worked! i will admit that it was kind of hard at times to work at talking to new people, but i think that ultimately it worked in my favor.

i ended up spending a lot of time with the friend who invited me along, who i really enjoy. he comes across as kind of arrogant (ok, really arrogant), but had been sweet to me the whole time. in addition, he's ridiculously witty, which gets me every time. i worked hard not to follow him around, but to talk to interesting other people throughout the pub crawl... and by the end he was touching my waist and dragging me into a lamp store. sure enough, he invited me back to his house to watch labyrinth after the crawl. i mean, really? labyrinth? a man after my own heart. i have to admit that i really loved that he knew as many of the lines and lyrics that i did, and although i know he used it to get me in bed, i really don't mind.

while i am proud that i didn't have sex with him, even though i wanted to, i am a little worried that i am falling into a fairly established pattern. he and i have been on gchat all week, and my heart does a little pitter patter every time i hear from him. i know he likes me, but he has some chick on the east coast. i need to be very careful of emotionally unavailable guys, and although i am just thinking of this as an interesting new guy who is fun to play with, i fear that i am not as strong as louisa when it comes to this. she has always been so good at not letting her heart get all tied up in this stuff until it's appropriate, and i keep wishing i could do it too. as a result, i keep ending up in these situations to "test myself," which ends badly. i am going to do my very, very best to focus on the present when it comes to this new guy and not worry about the future, but i also need to just breathe and listen to my heart.

this rollercoaster needs to slow down

last night was too much for me. it basically took me all day to feel like myself again, and i can't let that happen again anytime soon or else i may not be able to take it. i have decided to put myself on a 2-drink limit for the weekend, in order to prevent myself from getting as volatile as i was last night. this may be difficult tomorrow at the pub crawl, but as long as i take it slow and maintain my awareness, i should be able to navigate ok. this truly is a journey into myself, as i learn what my pitfalls are and how to avoid them in order to stay as true to myself as possible. a little like the princess bride, but without the ROUSes.