i have been trying SO hard. all weekend i battled that desperate feeling, and what do i get? it's monday afternoon and it's still here. i get little respites from it, but it always comes back. right now i'm overwhelmed by simultaneous feelings of loneliness, regret, guilt and worry.
yesterday wasn't too bad. i woke up, cleaned my room, did my taxes, and then did errands with richard all day. i went to yoga, and then we had a bbq at the house. overall, it was a pretty good day. so then why is it that i woke up this morning with a black cloud over my head? i don't get it! i have been taking good care of myself - not drinking too much, working out every day, and trying not to indulge the guy compulsions... and it's not making a difference.
i feel so overwhelmed. if i work this hard to make myself feel better and i still feel this bad, what's the point? i know that i just have to keep working and working and one day it will be better, but i don't know if i can wait. i'm so scared, and alone...
therapist says that it's just a feeling, and i should sit with it and recognize it for what it is - a feeling that is not reality. it's just SO hard to do that when my heart feels like it's imploding and i'm desperately reaching out for anyone to help distract me.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
there's that feeling again
i went to yoga this morning in an attempt to quiet my mind and strengthen my body. instead, i feel the same as i was before i went to yoga, with the addition of a little weakness in my shoulders. i am not nearly as strong as i was before surgery, but i know that at least physically, that will improve.
internally, i feel that same anxious, compulsive pull that used to always make me contact whichever guy was on my mind at the time. my therapist yesterday suggested just recognizing that it's a feeling and sitting with it, giving it almost like a play-by-play: "oh, here's that feeling again, i recognize it, it will go away soon, yup it's still here but this is usually about half-way, etc." i'm not so sure if that will work, but it definitely is a familiar feeling. i need to learn to disassociate my behaviors from the thoughts - in the same way that obsessive compulsive people learn that just because they feel dirty, they do not need to shower, for example. just because i feel lonely and compelled towards someone, i do not need to contact them.
it is 10am. if i can last till 11, then it will be time to shower and then head over to the richmond to meet evan for lunch. i can do this.
internally, i feel that same anxious, compulsive pull that used to always make me contact whichever guy was on my mind at the time. my therapist yesterday suggested just recognizing that it's a feeling and sitting with it, giving it almost like a play-by-play: "oh, here's that feeling again, i recognize it, it will go away soon, yup it's still here but this is usually about half-way, etc." i'm not so sure if that will work, but it definitely is a familiar feeling. i need to learn to disassociate my behaviors from the thoughts - in the same way that obsessive compulsive people learn that just because they feel dirty, they do not need to shower, for example. just because i feel lonely and compelled towards someone, i do not need to contact them.
it is 10am. if i can last till 11, then it will be time to shower and then head over to the richmond to meet evan for lunch. i can do this.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
perspective
i went out to dinner with my roommate richard tonight. he's a really sweet guy, and the best roommate ever... but i have always had the sense that he has been tiptoeing around something. i first thought it was us, but it's more than that. he admitted a while ago that he deals with anxiety, which comforted me when i was going through my panic attacks around christmastime. tonight, on the way home from dinner, he admitted much more. he went to school with kip kinkle, one of the most famous school shooters of my era. furthermore, he not only went to school with him, but was stabbed by him a few days before the shooting, and witnessed a classmate getting shot point blank in the head. i can't even imagine...
i think, as horrible as this is, it helps me put my crap in perspective. sure, what i'm going through is pretty rough, but it's in on a totally different playing field. my anxieties over losing my mom and never finding a career or partner that satisfy me are kind of middle of the road in comparison.
i saw a new therapist today. i like him - he smiles a lot and does "therapisty" things that usually bug me, but they're always followed with understanding and advice that helps. he was really good about talking to me about practical ways to manage my anxiety and the compulsions i feel to get attached to guys. for the life of me, i can't remember what his actual phrase was, but it was something like "thoughts and emotions are separate from fact." we talked about how my anxiety ebbs and flows, and how it's like seeing the world through those glasses that change from kinda clear to sunglasses when there's light on them, but they never get fully clear. but regardless of the filter, what i see is not reality. it's always through the filter of anxiety. so, whenever i feel anxious or emotional or compulsive, i will just recognize that it is the filter that is making the world seem the way it is, and i will try and figure out what the fact is separate from that. it sounds so easy.... but i know it's gonna be rough.
i think, as horrible as this is, it helps me put my crap in perspective. sure, what i'm going through is pretty rough, but it's in on a totally different playing field. my anxieties over losing my mom and never finding a career or partner that satisfy me are kind of middle of the road in comparison.
i saw a new therapist today. i like him - he smiles a lot and does "therapisty" things that usually bug me, but they're always followed with understanding and advice that helps. he was really good about talking to me about practical ways to manage my anxiety and the compulsions i feel to get attached to guys. for the life of me, i can't remember what his actual phrase was, but it was something like "thoughts and emotions are separate from fact." we talked about how my anxiety ebbs and flows, and how it's like seeing the world through those glasses that change from kinda clear to sunglasses when there's light on them, but they never get fully clear. but regardless of the filter, what i see is not reality. it's always through the filter of anxiety. so, whenever i feel anxious or emotional or compulsive, i will just recognize that it is the filter that is making the world seem the way it is, and i will try and figure out what the fact is separate from that. it sounds so easy.... but i know it's gonna be rough.
sitting with the feeling
usually when i feel helplessly needy like i do right now, i run away or i give in to the feelings. either i run away to someplace like the gym, where i can do something active and healthy and for ME, or i end up calling/emailing/texting whichever guy i am feeling compelled towards at the moment. right now, i am feeling this urge in my chest, like a big rope is wrapped around my heart and is pulling me towards the computer. last night i gave in to the urge, and emailed him. he emailed back, but i am going to try VERY hard not to respond. it's not that i'm playing games, but it's that i want to know why i feel like this all the time. what is the real cause of these compulsions? is it that i won't feel ok if i don't have said guy in my life? or is it that i am so desperate for love that i can't hold back and just relax. it's crazy - i know that it's both healthier for me and more attractive to them if i am more in control and independent, but i can't seem to stop.
so, right now, i am just going to sit with it. my sports bras are wet so i can't run away to the gym, and i am going to try my very very hardest not to email. deep breaths. perhaps meditation will help?
so, right now, i am just going to sit with it. my sports bras are wet so i can't run away to the gym, and i am going to try my very very hardest not to email. deep breaths. perhaps meditation will help?
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
trying to breathe... while not ignoring the truth
it's been almost a week since i was home, and i think i have finally recovered. it was a weird weekend, where i found myself falling back into the same patterns i fell into when mom got sick the first time. i became demanding, self-centered and needy. i felt like everyone should be at my beck and call, and should be doing everything possible to make me feel better.
that was bad. i now know that i need to be the one to take care of myself, and to do my very best to be as kind and loving to the people in my life as possible. at the same time, i also need to be picky about who i do and do not spend my time with. i know that i let people in very easily, and as a result get hurt frequently. i don't really have the strength to deal with that kind of additional hurt right now, and as a result i need to get picky... but not cut people out just because they aren't treating me like the princess i feel like they should be treating me as. it's hard figuring out where that line is.
for example, on friday when i flew back to SF, i called d to hang out. in hindsight, i was looking to him to take care of me a little bit, but i have been very cognizant of his late night selfishness. he promised an easy night, and i went over there. however, by the end of the night, he started chiding me for not doing shots with him, and told me that i made him uncomfortable by not being as drunk as he was. now, that was patently uncalled for... cancer mom or not. but at the same time, i don't know if i would have normally gotten so upset. i feel like normally i would have called him an idiot and entertained myself. however, i got upset, left the bar, and walked 10 blocks back to my car alone, feeling so, so alone.
saturday night i hung out with the roommate's friend, which was very nice... but i feel like i was following them around a little bit. i mean, i got invited, but i think i made myself too available. i find myself torn - i know that it is more attractive when a girl is busy and otherwise unavailable, but at the same time i feel like i need to be touched... to be held. ugh, i don't know what to do. i almost don't care. i have needs, that's it. but then i should stop messaging him all the time.
basically, i am having trouble telling my "ass from a whole in the ground," as my mom would say. i think too much, i overanalyze everything, and now i'm trying to act normally in an oversensitized state of mind. i think it's a good idea that i'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow.
that was bad. i now know that i need to be the one to take care of myself, and to do my very best to be as kind and loving to the people in my life as possible. at the same time, i also need to be picky about who i do and do not spend my time with. i know that i let people in very easily, and as a result get hurt frequently. i don't really have the strength to deal with that kind of additional hurt right now, and as a result i need to get picky... but not cut people out just because they aren't treating me like the princess i feel like they should be treating me as. it's hard figuring out where that line is.
for example, on friday when i flew back to SF, i called d to hang out. in hindsight, i was looking to him to take care of me a little bit, but i have been very cognizant of his late night selfishness. he promised an easy night, and i went over there. however, by the end of the night, he started chiding me for not doing shots with him, and told me that i made him uncomfortable by not being as drunk as he was. now, that was patently uncalled for... cancer mom or not. but at the same time, i don't know if i would have normally gotten so upset. i feel like normally i would have called him an idiot and entertained myself. however, i got upset, left the bar, and walked 10 blocks back to my car alone, feeling so, so alone.
saturday night i hung out with the roommate's friend, which was very nice... but i feel like i was following them around a little bit. i mean, i got invited, but i think i made myself too available. i find myself torn - i know that it is more attractive when a girl is busy and otherwise unavailable, but at the same time i feel like i need to be touched... to be held. ugh, i don't know what to do. i almost don't care. i have needs, that's it. but then i should stop messaging him all the time.
basically, i am having trouble telling my "ass from a whole in the ground," as my mom would say. i think too much, i overanalyze everything, and now i'm trying to act normally in an oversensitized state of mind. i think it's a good idea that i'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
what cancer can do
my mom has a little postcard-sized poem hanging above her desk, entitled "what cancer cannot do." it's an empowering piece of writing, enumerating all of the things that cancer can't do (wipe memories, shatter hope, etc etc). the problem, however, is that none of that is true. cancer can destroy relationships. or, at the very least, it can turn people into monsterous versions of themselves.
on tuesday mom my started chemo. she had her port-a-cath installed, and then did the first infusion, rituxan, in her oncologist's office. we were all thrilled - we had thought that the chemo would be 4 days and 3 nights in the hospital, but they figured out that the first 2 days could be done in the office, so only 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. that night we had a great family dinner - dan came over and i picked up mediterranean kitchen. we were all happy.
yesterday morning mom and i went to the gym, and she felt good. we went straight to dr. crossland's office for the second chemo drug, ifosfomide. i brought my laptop so we could watch chapter 4 of a new earth, and everyone seemed good. however, in the car on the way home, everything changed. mom stopped being the warm, happy, reasonable woman i know and love, and turned into the monster she became last time we went through this. i
n fact, this monster has come out before. the first time i remember it, it was after she hurt her back and decided to take herself off of the vicodin cold turkey. she is already a pretty sensitive person, but this turned her into the most volatile, over-reactive, nightmarish human being. last time she had cancer, i was so scared to lose her that i just let her act like a two-year-old the entire time. i let her get unreasonable, i indulged her mood swings, and i just let her behave like a baby. a mean baby. this time, however, i refuse.
you see, if i do this again, i will be letting cancer win. she gets in these moods where something nonsensical hurts her feelings and BAM! it's the whole "i have cancer and i don't have to let you treat me this way" speech starts. and then it snowballs. whenever she does this, a little piece of my soul dies. because this unreasonable behavior is also in me, and it is something i have worked so hard to control. i think she has too, but when she gets sick, she stops caring. she hurts my feelings by accusing me of being mean to her, when in fact all i want is for her to feel better.
it cuts so deep. last night it was some misunderstanding about her ipod. she wanted me to fix it, i asked her when, she got mad at me for not understanding that she meant right that minute, and when i went to explain how the misunderstanding happened, she started again - "i don't have to feel like this. i have cancer and i am going into the hospital tomorrow and i don't have to let you make me feel bad the night before i go to the hospital." i mean, EXCUSE ME? i am here, in seattle, taking time out of my life in a particularly difficult time in my life to help you, and you are accusing me of willingly making you feel bad? seriously?
normally i would have just let her storm off and gone to bed, but this time i decided, perhaps unwisely, to tell her my decision not to let cancer wreck our relationship again. that backfired. she doesn't care. that's the thing, cancer turns my mom into a baby, who doesn't care about other people's feelings and who doesn't give a shit who else feels crappy too. and it's not that hard to make us feel bad. she knows how to cut right down to the heart.
i don't know how to handle this. last night i sobbed myself to sleep, but i can't do that all the time. i can't find a new therapist, and i need help with this so badly. it's just the cruel, cruel irony of all of this, is that i am working so hard to learn to be "in the moment" and "focusing on the present," when in reality my present just fucking sucks. i mean, my mom is still ALIVE, which should be cause for rejoicing, but she's alive and being a bitch who i don't want to be around... but i know that if she doesn't make it through this, i will regret fighting with her for the rest of my life. ... which is why i let her be such a pill last round. i don't know what to do, but i can't live like this.
on tuesday mom my started chemo. she had her port-a-cath installed, and then did the first infusion, rituxan, in her oncologist's office. we were all thrilled - we had thought that the chemo would be 4 days and 3 nights in the hospital, but they figured out that the first 2 days could be done in the office, so only 2 days and 1 night in the hospital. that night we had a great family dinner - dan came over and i picked up mediterranean kitchen. we were all happy.
yesterday morning mom and i went to the gym, and she felt good. we went straight to dr. crossland's office for the second chemo drug, ifosfomide. i brought my laptop so we could watch chapter 4 of a new earth, and everyone seemed good. however, in the car on the way home, everything changed. mom stopped being the warm, happy, reasonable woman i know and love, and turned into the monster she became last time we went through this. i
n fact, this monster has come out before. the first time i remember it, it was after she hurt her back and decided to take herself off of the vicodin cold turkey. she is already a pretty sensitive person, but this turned her into the most volatile, over-reactive, nightmarish human being. last time she had cancer, i was so scared to lose her that i just let her act like a two-year-old the entire time. i let her get unreasonable, i indulged her mood swings, and i just let her behave like a baby. a mean baby. this time, however, i refuse.
you see, if i do this again, i will be letting cancer win. she gets in these moods where something nonsensical hurts her feelings and BAM! it's the whole "i have cancer and i don't have to let you treat me this way" speech starts. and then it snowballs. whenever she does this, a little piece of my soul dies. because this unreasonable behavior is also in me, and it is something i have worked so hard to control. i think she has too, but when she gets sick, she stops caring. she hurts my feelings by accusing me of being mean to her, when in fact all i want is for her to feel better.
it cuts so deep. last night it was some misunderstanding about her ipod. she wanted me to fix it, i asked her when, she got mad at me for not understanding that she meant right that minute, and when i went to explain how the misunderstanding happened, she started again - "i don't have to feel like this. i have cancer and i am going into the hospital tomorrow and i don't have to let you make me feel bad the night before i go to the hospital." i mean, EXCUSE ME? i am here, in seattle, taking time out of my life in a particularly difficult time in my life to help you, and you are accusing me of willingly making you feel bad? seriously?
normally i would have just let her storm off and gone to bed, but this time i decided, perhaps unwisely, to tell her my decision not to let cancer wreck our relationship again. that backfired. she doesn't care. that's the thing, cancer turns my mom into a baby, who doesn't care about other people's feelings and who doesn't give a shit who else feels crappy too. and it's not that hard to make us feel bad. she knows how to cut right down to the heart.
i don't know how to handle this. last night i sobbed myself to sleep, but i can't do that all the time. i can't find a new therapist, and i need help with this so badly. it's just the cruel, cruel irony of all of this, is that i am working so hard to learn to be "in the moment" and "focusing on the present," when in reality my present just fucking sucks. i mean, my mom is still ALIVE, which should be cause for rejoicing, but she's alive and being a bitch who i don't want to be around... but i know that if she doesn't make it through this, i will regret fighting with her for the rest of my life. ... which is why i let her be such a pill last round. i don't know what to do, but i can't live like this.
Monday, March 24, 2008
heading home
tomorrow morning i fly home to seattle. mom is getting another port-a-cath installed in the morning, and then chemo starts in the afternoon. dad will be around until i get there, when he heads back to work.
i know i have been trying to take this all in stride, but last night it all hit me. it's starting again, and i don't want to do it. i feel like a two-year-old, and all i want to do is just lie on the floor and kick and scream until its over. i feel helpless and out of control, like i'm spinning again and i can't stop. my chest is tight and i can't seem to get a full breath.
the best thing for mom is just to stay positive and make this whole experience as easy as possible. keeping her laughing is so important, and if i get dark and scared, it will be her taking care of me. i need to get strong, and i just don't know if i can.
this past weekend was lovely - lots of friends, distraction and aimless wanderings. the new guy was out of town, but by sunday night i figured he'd be back and i didn't hear anything. instead of staying mysterious and busy, i messaged him this morning, and again this afternoon. however, i am going to try and stay as positive about this as i can, and be proud that i didn't push myself on him. i wanted to stop by tonight, but he said he couldn't go to trivia, which means he's not interested in seeing me. this one is tough, since i know he wants me physically but i run the chance of pushing him away emotionally. i need to use this as a gauge of how needy i feel, and make sure i take as good of care of myself as i can...
i don't want to do this.
i know i have been trying to take this all in stride, but last night it all hit me. it's starting again, and i don't want to do it. i feel like a two-year-old, and all i want to do is just lie on the floor and kick and scream until its over. i feel helpless and out of control, like i'm spinning again and i can't stop. my chest is tight and i can't seem to get a full breath.
the best thing for mom is just to stay positive and make this whole experience as easy as possible. keeping her laughing is so important, and if i get dark and scared, it will be her taking care of me. i need to get strong, and i just don't know if i can.
this past weekend was lovely - lots of friends, distraction and aimless wanderings. the new guy was out of town, but by sunday night i figured he'd be back and i didn't hear anything. instead of staying mysterious and busy, i messaged him this morning, and again this afternoon. however, i am going to try and stay as positive about this as i can, and be proud that i didn't push myself on him. i wanted to stop by tonight, but he said he couldn't go to trivia, which means he's not interested in seeing me. this one is tough, since i know he wants me physically but i run the chance of pushing him away emotionally. i need to use this as a gauge of how needy i feel, and make sure i take as good of care of myself as i can...
i don't want to do this.
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