i swear, there's a backbone in here somewhere

so i think it's pretty much official that derek and i are no longer friends. i emailed him a week ago upon my return from utah, and i have heard nothing. it's weird - i know that he's not a good friend for me and that the group there won't hold me in the cradle of loving-kindness, but still i miss them. i feel rejected - by derek and by david. i definitely tried to make both relationships work, but my trip away from the city pretty much confirmed that neither will. i am trying to make the best of this, to focus on the fact that neither of them are good for me, but it doesn't seem to matter.

on top of this, i literally have four free days in front of me. i have no plans until 4:30p from today until thursday, and have nothing to do. this scares me. i am going to try my very, very hardest to really LIVE these four days and to make the best of it. it should be nice today so i am going to head to the gym (i am still way pudgy from surgery... and before) and then wander the mission armed with my camera and a book. i don't want to just survive every day, i want to enjoy every day. i think if i can really do that, it will both help my loneliness and my sense of rejection by these people in my life who do not treat me well. it's weird... i feel like i could easily reappraise this to make it me who is rejecting them, but i know in my heart that if they were to ask me back, i'd go running. blair, too.

where is all that self-righteousness that i had in college? that fight that i had in me when people treated me wrong? did i waste it all on ben? i can't have... it's in there somewhere, i just need to find it. i hope that it comes along with my confidence, which seems to be a little lost as well.

speaking of confidence, i visited the shambhala center yesterday morning. the place is a little weird, especially the chanting, but i still really liked the group meditation and the talk afterwards, on "the confidence to go beyond hesitation." they defined confidence not as an ego trait, but as a faith that one can handle any situation the world throws at you. i'm not sure i have that confidence yet, but at least it takes some of the pressure off.

ok, gym time. hopefully they have a backbone-strengthening machine in there somewhere :)

back in sf, and back in the hole

well, i'm back. i've been back since monday now, and each day i slowly lose a little bit of the self that i thought i reclaimed while in utah. on my last full day there, riding back to grand junction on that old bus, i had a lovely conversation with my friend kathy, who i see so much of myself in and aspire to be like one day. in dissecting me, and trying to diagnose the problems i've been having with loneliness, the answer we came to was confidence. i just need to figure out how to go out there and be me... and to hold myself in what shambhala calls "the cradle of loving-kindness," and hold others to that standard too.

but now, being back, i just feel lonely. i am trying to hold myself and others to that standard, and seem to just be isolating myself, which is not loving nor kind. i haven't contacted david or derek, which i know deep down is a good thing, since they are both selfish and seem to be unable to treat me with kindness... but i feel SO alone. and now i'm sabotaging myself. friday night i left kacey's party early because i was tired, and just unable to interact with people well, and then last night i didn't go out at all! i should have met up with evan, who does love me and will always treat me with kindness, but i had exhausted myself all day by being alone... and just wanted to sleep.

so here i am, it's early sunday morning, and i'm feeling so lonely. i am going to try to go to the shambhala center in the sunset, to go to their open house. i am scared that i am expecting to walk back into the loving environment of my utah trip, but instead will be all alone with my feelings and insecurities... which is probably a good thing.

i wish i could remember all of the things that i said to my therapist on tuesday, right after i got back. i felt so good, so happy and so secure. where is that feeling now? how did i let it go so quickly? i know this unstructured time is not good for me. i have till thursday, when i go home, and then after that a good month until i start work again. at least i have signed up for team in training again, so hopefully that will help starting in the end of may.

i need to feel less frantic about this. what would pema say? this is just a feeling, and if i can't alleviate it, i should elevate it. i need to sit with it, and explore it with playful curiosity. maybe meditating won't be such a bad idea after all... if i can do it.

i hate mondays.

i have been trying SO hard. all weekend i battled that desperate feeling, and what do i get? it's monday afternoon and it's still here. i get little respites from it, but it always comes back. right now i'm overwhelmed by simultaneous feelings of loneliness, regret, guilt and worry.

yesterday wasn't too bad. i woke up, cleaned my room, did my taxes, and then did errands with richard all day. i went to yoga, and then we had a bbq at the house. overall, it was a pretty good day. so then why is it that i woke up this morning with a black cloud over my head? i don't get it! i have been taking good care of myself - not drinking too much, working out every day, and trying not to indulge the guy compulsions... and it's not making a difference.

i feel so overwhelmed. if i work this hard to make myself feel better and i still feel this bad, what's the point? i know that i just have to keep working and working and one day it will be better, but i don't know if i can wait. i'm so scared, and alone...

therapist says that it's just a feeling, and i should sit with it and recognize it for what it is - a feeling that is not reality. it's just SO hard to do that when my heart feels like it's imploding and i'm desperately reaching out for anyone to help distract me.

there's that feeling again

i went to yoga this morning in an attempt to quiet my mind and strengthen my body. instead, i feel the same as i was before i went to yoga, with the addition of a little weakness in my shoulders. i am not nearly as strong as i was before surgery, but i know that at least physically, that will improve.

internally, i feel that same anxious, compulsive pull that used to always make me contact whichever guy was on my mind at the time. my therapist yesterday suggested just recognizing that it's a feeling and sitting with it, giving it almost like a play-by-play: "oh, here's that feeling again, i recognize it, it will go away soon, yup it's still here but this is usually about half-way, etc." i'm not so sure if that will work, but it definitely is a familiar feeling. i need to learn to disassociate my behaviors from the thoughts - in the same way that obsessive compulsive people learn that just because they feel dirty, they do not need to shower, for example. just because i feel lonely and compelled towards someone, i do not need to contact them.

it is 10am. if i can last till 11, then it will be time to shower and then head over to the richmond to meet evan for lunch. i can do this.

perspective

i went out to dinner with my roommate richard tonight. he's a really sweet guy, and the best roommate ever... but i have always had the sense that he has been tiptoeing around something. i first thought it was us, but it's more than that. he admitted a while ago that he deals with anxiety, which comforted me when i was going through my panic attacks around christmastime. tonight, on the way home from dinner, he admitted much more. he went to school with kip kinkle, one of the most famous school shooters of my era. furthermore, he not only went to school with him, but was stabbed by him a few days before the shooting, and witnessed a classmate getting shot point blank in the head. i can't even imagine...

i think, as horrible as this is, it helps me put my crap in perspective. sure, what i'm going through is pretty rough, but it's in on a totally different playing field. my anxieties over losing my mom and never finding a career or partner that satisfy me are kind of middle of the road in comparison.

i saw a new therapist today. i like him - he smiles a lot and does "therapisty" things that usually bug me, but they're always followed with understanding and advice that helps. he was really good about talking to me about practical ways to manage my anxiety and the compulsions i feel to get attached to guys. for the life of me, i can't remember what his actual phrase was, but it was something like "thoughts and emotions are separate from fact." we talked about how my anxiety ebbs and flows, and how it's like seeing the world through those glasses that change from kinda clear to sunglasses when there's light on them, but they never get fully clear. but regardless of the filter, what i see is not reality. it's always through the filter of anxiety. so, whenever i feel anxious or emotional or compulsive, i will just recognize that it is the filter that is making the world seem the way it is, and i will try and figure out what the fact is separate from that. it sounds so easy.... but i know it's gonna be rough.

sitting with the feeling

usually when i feel helplessly needy like i do right now, i run away or i give in to the feelings. either i run away to someplace like the gym, where i can do something active and healthy and for ME, or i end up calling/emailing/texting whichever guy i am feeling compelled towards at the moment. right now, i am feeling this urge in my chest, like a big rope is wrapped around my heart and is pulling me towards the computer. last night i gave in to the urge, and emailed him. he emailed back, but i am going to try VERY hard not to respond. it's not that i'm playing games, but it's that i want to know why i feel like this all the time. what is the real cause of these compulsions? is it that i won't feel ok if i don't have said guy in my life? or is it that i am so desperate for love that i can't hold back and just relax. it's crazy - i know that it's both healthier for me and more attractive to them if i am more in control and independent, but i can't seem to stop.

so, right now, i am just going to sit with it. my sports bras are wet so i can't run away to the gym, and i am going to try my very very hardest not to email. deep breaths. perhaps meditation will help?

trying to breathe... while not ignoring the truth

it's been almost a week since i was home, and i think i have finally recovered. it was a weird weekend, where i found myself falling back into the same patterns i fell into when mom got sick the first time. i became demanding, self-centered and needy. i felt like everyone should be at my beck and call, and should be doing everything possible to make me feel better.

that was bad. i now know that i need to be the one to take care of myself, and to do my very best to be as kind and loving to the people in my life as possible. at the same time, i also need to be picky about who i do and do not spend my time with. i know that i let people in very easily, and as a result get hurt frequently. i don't really have the strength to deal with that kind of additional hurt right now, and as a result i need to get picky... but not cut people out just because they aren't treating me like the princess i feel like they should be treating me as. it's hard figuring out where that line is.

for example, on friday when i flew back to SF, i called d to hang out. in hindsight, i was looking to him to take care of me a little bit, but i have been very cognizant of his late night selfishness. he promised an easy night, and i went over there. however, by the end of the night, he started chiding me for not doing shots with him, and told me that i made him uncomfortable by not being as drunk as he was. now, that was patently uncalled for... cancer mom or not. but at the same time, i don't know if i would have normally gotten so upset. i feel like normally i would have called him an idiot and entertained myself. however, i got upset, left the bar, and walked 10 blocks back to my car alone, feeling so, so alone.

saturday night i hung out with the roommate's friend, which was very nice... but i feel like i was following them around a little bit. i mean, i got invited, but i think i made myself too available. i find myself torn - i know that it is more attractive when a girl is busy and otherwise unavailable, but at the same time i feel like i need to be touched... to be held. ugh, i don't know what to do. i almost don't care. i have needs, that's it. but then i should stop messaging him all the time.

basically, i am having trouble telling my "ass from a whole in the ground," as my mom would say. i think too much, i overanalyze everything, and now i'm trying to act normally in an oversensitized state of mind. i think it's a good idea that i'm seeing a new therapist tomorrow.